tears and handwritten cards

Two desperate tears made their way silently down my face as my students sat gazing at me in utter shock.

Sadly they thought it was their fault.

In reality the fault lies in the school system today.

• first you put 20+ adolescent students into a classroom for 7 hours a day
  
• you expect them to sit quietly, follow an endless supply of commands, they must raise their hands to make a statement, to leave their seat, to use the restroom
• they must not be moved by the excitement of learning and shout out an answer they know
• if they finish their work early they must be punished by giving them more work
• if they were a bad kid last year just ignore them and get through the year
• pay attention to the good kids because they are our future doctors and lawyers
• a teachers job is to create order and structure, to give information and make sure it is regurgitated back through standardized testing
  
• brag about how many F's you give out because it validates your negativity about your students and shows how "hard" your class is
• create another adult in the lives of these students that intimidate them and make them feel like they are bad for being kids

The average 12 year old needs to move around. Their body is growing and actually physically aches because they need to stratch and walk and jump and run. We keep them in chairs for at least 6 hours a day. We yell at them when they jump to reach the top of the doorways.

They are just starting to have real relationships, most of which are rocky at best. Best friends are made and lost in the course of a day. Those students that do not have a strong relationship with their family rely on these friendships for support. Friends have become the new family in recent generations. We seperate friends for fear they may try to pass notes or whisper between homework problems.

They are just realizing that they are able to make their own decisions, they question authority, they seek out ways to show their individuality. We try to make their decisions for them, we call their questioning insubordination, and we seek to conform them all into the perfect student.

That's not how I teach. I am sorry but I don't buy into it.

I have 6 students around my desk discussing the moral and ethical ramifications of genetic design while 2 of my students are drawing a cover for a comic book they are writing together and the rest of my students are working in groups discussing the books they are reading. A veteran teacher walks into my classroom and yells at my students to get in their seats and to shut up and do their work. Nobody was yelling, no student was in danger, no school rules were being broken. But her students were all silently working (or doing nothing - which is fine by her as long as it is quiet) and she feels mine should be too.

Let me ask you...how many of her students will remember the worksheet they finished that afternoon? Maybe none of my students will remember their arguments for or against designing their new baby brother but they will hold onto the skills theu learned from the debate. They may not remember what book they read but they will be more likely look at reading as something enjoyable than as a chore. As for the two kids and the comic book, they will know that not everyone thinks their creative endevors are foolhearty and a waste of time.

I let the fact that other teachers view me as a bad teacher get to me. I tried to show them how well my students did on their science test that was easily a high school level test but still all they can see is the teacher with the chaotic classroom.

I started last week in model teacher mode. I yelled everytime they acted disorderly. I called them out in front of everyone and made them feel ashamed for being kids. They obeyed out of fear of my yelling but I could see the level of learning decrease with every student I confined to their seat. One brave student finally put me in my place.

"Did something bad happen to you, are you ok?" she asked with much trepidation, "You have been yelling at us all week. You are usually so happy and fun. Now we don't have anyplace to go that makes us feel safe. We get yelled at everywhere we go. How do you think that makes us feel?"

I wish she would have gotten through to me at that moment but I kept seeing those other teachers disapproving looks.

So I answered bitterly "How do you think it makes me feel that I spend hours trying to think of fun things for you to do, I listen to your stories, I encourage you and I brag about how great you are to anyone that will listen and you cannot even give me the smallest amount of respect to sit in your seat or to work quietly when I ask you? Is it my fault that you don't listen to me, that you continue to talk or wander around? Should I have to raise my voice to get you to pay attention to me? Is it fair that I look like a bad teacher because my students are disrespectful? There is a point in time when you need to grow up and take responsibility for your actions. Until that happens this is the teacher you get. You better get used to it"

That is when the tears came. I saw myself turn into all the teachers I have grown to hate. It had nothing to do with my students. They are all wonderful. The other teachers call them terrors. In reality they simply have a healthy dose of intelligence and personality. I would not trade them for any other classroom and yet I tore into them as if they were the cause of all of my frustration. I felt terrible but I said nothing. I just turned my attitude around and pretended nothing had happened.

Then this afternoon they surprised me with their secret homework they had over the weekend. Each student went home after my outburst and made a card for me saying that they were sorry and that they had never had a better teacher and that they would act however they wanted as long as I did not become like the other teachers.

I cried a second time. This time because I realized that they are what matters. Not the other teachers or the principal or parents. My students. They are the reason I do what I do. I don't want to change them or the way I teach. There is no way my students would be able to describe the cell cycle to you in detail if my classroom was ran like a detention center.

They learned it because it was fun. Because I made even the most misunderstood student feel smart. I expected the best from them and they came through for me. I failed them and they showered me with love and encouragement.

I may never get teacher of the year but I know that every student in my classroom has learned something that will stick with them through life. It is not the phases of Mitosis or the meaning of philanthropy. It is the confidence to beleive in themself, the courage to question, and the importance of forgiveness. It will never show up on a standardized test but it is the only way I will ever determine my success as a teacher.

Weekend in Review

Every Monday in my classroom we do a little thing called Weekend in Review. It lets my students readjust to being back in the classroom again and lets me know what they get into over the weekend. Since I started doing it I have noticed that their stories they share have moved from the video games and movies that they have watched to biking and exploring and other adventures they set out on. Some kids have even talked about how they spent one day cleaning up their neighborhood and recycling all they could. One student convinced his family to go camping for the first time in 5 years. I can't take all the credit...but I am going to take some.



So here it is...my weekend in review:

• read an awesome book in the car - man how I would love to just pack up and leave!
• magic show: how did he get that drawing of the card to move?
• the millenium force: 90 mph + pouring rain + the front seat = a sore face
• fortune teller: wanted the Gypsy Queen but I got her dumb blonde sidekick
• hiking 10 miles in the rain - with my own personal guide - fantastic
• teaching a singing Portuguese woman the cha cha on the porch of the hostel
• hanging out with the coolest 5th grader - who hates wet pants and homework
• eating fresh vegatables cooked in olive oil by the greatest chef: Bob
• saw a dozen deer, two toads, some yellow varmit and a pack of coyotes
  
• Singing "I Feel Pretty" when all of us were covered in mud (except Nana)
• hiking another 10 miles with a cool chick from Idaho and 20 people twice our age
• the leaves....ohhh the leaves are so pretty right now

Me all bundled up and ready to take on our annual trip to Cedar Point to brave the harsh elements of October just so I don't have to wait in lines!





Photo collage of the Cuyahogo Valley.....


Lots of waterfalls, one of the rainy day that I hiked, a couple of deer, and some of the leaves that were sooo pretty!


The middle picture is of McKenna looking at a deer.....it's a shame I can't show her face because there are so many weirdos out there nowadays! You can see her muddy back from her bike ride though....pretty tough kid biking in the rain like that!

Camping

Ahhh camping. The smell of the earth. The crackle of leaves. The earth breathing all around you. Rays of sunlights breaking through the canopy. Hawks swooping. Smoke rising. Every nerve in your body feeling more alive because you are no longer protected.


<---- I took this picture to remind myself that not too long ago I felt free. I laid down on the earth and let go of everything the week had brought to me. I let go of it because I realized it doesn't matter. Things that cause us pain and stress right now in the moment will soon become just memories of the past. As my grandma would say "and this too shall pass".

This was the first camping trip I have taken since I had the grand idea to take to the open road. For me it wasn't just cooking over the campfire, spending 20 minutes trying to hatchet my way through a log and swinging from vines. The whole night seemed like it was basic training to see if I was up to the challenge. Senarios kept running through my mind for what trouble I might run into along the way.

• I will run out of money (most likely)
• I will come across an overly friendly man (I get that here)
• I will be in the freezing cold with no place to stay (scary)
• I will find myself on a road that never seems to end
• My stuff will get stolen/broken
• I will be exhausted (mentally and physically)
• I will be hurt/maimed/killed (at least the first one)

As I walked through the woods I came upon a tree that was only still standing because of the sympathy of the earth. It was rotting from the inside out and I could feel the soft give of its trunk. Usually I would look at the tree and feel sad and move on. I hate to see things die and usually turn my back to them and pretend they are not there.

This time I decided to recognize its death by celebrating its life. I imagined all the tree had seen and been in its day. Growing from a tiny seed to a mighty tree despite the odds. Home to birds and squirrels and chipmunks and creepy crawlers. Giving shade to the forest floor. Keeping the earth protected with its strong roots.

It came down with a thunderous sound as if it was exhaling its final breath. It formed to the earth as its body prepared to nurture new seedlings to come. And so it continues.

So what if this was my new home? What if I had no bed, no stove, no phone, no computer to come home to? What if my only source for information about the outside world came from people I met on the street? I only hear from my family and friends when I am in a place long enough to get mail.

I did realize this weekend that I like to be alone. Not because I don't like the company of other people. I like to call my own shots, set my own pace, live my life the way I want to live it.

I was afraid that I would get lonely or that the experience would not be as great if there was no one to share it with. I think at times it would be nice to share those moments with someone else but I doubt there is anyone out there that could match up with me. I would need a person with perpetual optimism, the type of person that laughs when everything falls apart. They would have to know when to give me space and when to comfort me. They would have to trust me when I do things they don't understand and be up for anything.

So far the only person I have met that fits that description is myself so this trip is destined to be a solo adventure. It actually is better because people that travel solo are more likely to be approached and welcomed by locals.

my favorite picture from this weekend.....I am so happy...a happiness that is not easily obtained in the city!


See the rest of the pics from this weekend here.

you've got mail

The following was written in response to an email (from the person I was hiking with in this picture) I received about my previous post - I thought it might make a good post itself:

There are tons of people that have done exactly what I want to do (women included) and I know all of the risks and I feel like this might be the last time in my life that I can do something like this. Something really selfish.

If I get married and settle down, my life will be set out for me. All throughout my life I have met amazing people that the average person would feel lucky to have in their life. They have given me their hearts and I have closed mine to them. Its not that I am cold or unloving, and I am not even sure it has anything to do with me being afraid to get hurt. I am afraid that as soon as I decide to settle down with someone that my life will be set for me. I have let myself get stuck in relationships that are safe and I can't help but wonder what my life would have been like if I had stayed single.

I think I have been trying to find that perfect person that will embrace life with me but I recently realized that that person may not exist. The person I should be focusing on is me. What can I do? What am I capable of? I run from things I am scared of. I wanted Americorps instead of Teach for America because Ohio was safe and New Mexico was foreign and scary. I don't challange myself because what if I fail? I always do what is safe, what is practical.

I know you are worried about what will happen if I go but think about what might happen if I stay. Think about all those things you loved about me dying. That poetry in my heart beginning to fade away. The dance in my soul being stilled by obligations. The song on my lips muffled by the worried thoughts in my head. I am already questioning if I really am any different than all these lifeless souls walking around me. I have always been naive and thought that I was put here for a reason, that each person I meet I have the ability to enrich their lives. I'm not ready for that part of me to die yet. I still beleive in destiny and magic and the possiblity that anything is possible. Each day I spend here my thoughts turn more rational and my ideas seem like child's tales. That is why I need to go. That part of me threatens to die each day and everyday I have to fight to keep it alive.

I am not depressed or anything - I don't want you to worry about me. For the greater part of the day I am quite content. I wake in the morning to a run, a morning stroll, a dance in the park, the sun rising to guide me back home. I teach, I inspire, I touch hearts, I soothe pain, I change lives. Then I rejuvenate myself by spending my evenings with friends and family or a nice bike ride to organize my thoughts. My life is good. But despite it all I know there is something out there waiting for me. I know I can be so much more than I am. I live a mediocre existence because the world is more comfortable with that. Those who question and excel are labeled "threats". The threaten the idea that people should accept the world for what it is. Accept that people are doing the best they can. As long as I can come home to my big screen TV and have instant access to anything I could ever want I must live in a world that is good.

Well it is BS. The world is messed up. But I am not going to blame the government or media or corporations. The fault lies in us. Each and every one of us. We accept our fate rather than control our destiny. So many people are unhappy and they should be. They are married because it is what their friends were doing. They have babies because they think it will fill an emptiness in their lives. They work way too much to buy things they think they need. All of these things are just distractions, keeping people from realizing they are in control of their lives. I might not control gas prices but I control how I get to work. I cannot save all the animals but I can make sure none of them died for me. I cannot control the fact that people are insolent but I can control how I treat them in return.

The world is unsafe for Americans you say. Will I be judged because I was born in a certain place. If I travel to a place and I am open to the people and their culture will they turn me away? I don't doubt that I will run into people that will look at me a certain way, but by assuming it will be so and not trying to change their perceptions I am saying that it is ok. I know I am just one person, but maybe I will inspire another, and they another and so it goes on until the things I say don't seem so crazy.

I feel like I got out of control in this email but you are one of the few people that I felt really got a chance to know me. Your kind words and encouragement always give me the strength to do things that frighten me. Although at times I feel that your impression of me is rather romanticized, it feels good to have a friend that beleives in you. My first published work will be dedicated to you! Until then, worry less about me and know that I will always follow my heart and no matter where it leads me I will be a better person for it.

not all those who wander are lost.....

Life is too easy.

This thought crossed my mind as I biked home in the early morning darkness. The sun had not risen yet and the thrill I felt from having to navigate blindly lasted only until I realized if I became aware enough that I could sense where the trees started and the path ended. I have been biking back and forth from my uncle's house for a few weeks now and the challenge it once gave me has become paltry.

I want to take a big leap of faith but I am afraid I will make too many people in my life mad at me. In two weeks I am going to bike from Sandusky to Columbus and that alone has brought my family up in arms against me. I know they are just worried - but it is frustrating to always have people telling you what you cannot do.

So about my leap.

I live in Ohio. Always have. I have people I love here. I have a good life.

I want more.

I want to travel. Not to sightsee, even though there are many things I am dying to see. I want to make each place I travel to my home. I want to save up money - sell everything I have - and leave the states to see what else is out there. I want to go to a place where life is not as easy. I want to feel hungry and then the extreme satisfaction of earning a nice meal. I want to see what makes us all the same and what other people know that I don't. I want the freedom to leave when I am restless and to linger where I desire.

I know none of this is practical and I know all of the arguments against it.

• traveling alone is unsafe - I might be mugged/beaten/killed
• I could get malaria, typhoid, yellow fever etc.
• I should be saving for retirement
• I just spent most of my life in school (you don't need a Master to pick mangos)
• I will be leaving people that care about me

But what about the possibilities?

• I will meet people I never would get the chance to in Columbus
• I will see things that should be seen in person not in books
• I will find out exactly what I am capable of
• I will live my life without regrets
• I will be brave (because even the idea of doing this scares the crap out of me)
• I will have memories that are worth far more than what I would save for retirement
• I will wake every morning knowing a challenge will greet me

I have only told 2 people about my plan until this point. Even writing about it here is scary. I know people from my family will read this (you cannot tell grandma - I don't want her to have a heart attack) and soon the mass number of "you can't do that's" are going to come my way. I really hope that I can stick to my guns. I always want to make people happy but this is something that I really want to do for me. Most likely I will fail miserably and will head back in a few months after I realize that I don't have it in me to be brave every day. But let me fail.

I beleive in destiny. I open my life to possibilities by putting myself out there to meet people that might influence me or being in places that I normally would not go because something draws me there and that small diversion might make all the difference in my life. I can pinpoint the moment that I was destined to spend 5 years with my ex to a single trip to a gas station. The little choices make all of the difference.

I recently met someone who is a lot like me - passionate about life but afraid to take that leap of faith. He has the potential to do amazing things but he has chosen to live the life that society has dictated to him. Caught in the machine because he can't see his way around it. Cursing the world for stifling his dreams instead of commanding his own destiny. It seemed so disheartening to me but then I realized I was given a chance to see myself from another person's eyes. I love what I do but I do it because it is acceptable and still pleasing to me. I stay here because I feel obligations to those I love. I chose not to live MY life and rather live the life that others want for me.

My aunt and uncle just returned from their bike trip down the Pacific coast and they brought me a simple gift that was more important to me than they could know. A collection of stories written by women who have traveled the world on their own - just 3 days after I had told my friend that I wanted to do just that. I'm not sure what they would think of me traveling on my own but I know that they have that same spirit of adventure and on some level they would at least understand my desires.

Maybe I am a fool, but I would rather be a fool that followed my heart than a coward that lived someone else's life.