tears and handwritten cards

Two desperate tears made their way silently down my face as my students sat gazing at me in utter shock.

Sadly they thought it was their fault.

In reality the fault lies in the school system today.

• first you put 20+ adolescent students into a classroom for 7 hours a day
  
• you expect them to sit quietly, follow an endless supply of commands, they must raise their hands to make a statement, to leave their seat, to use the restroom
• they must not be moved by the excitement of learning and shout out an answer they know
• if they finish their work early they must be punished by giving them more work
• if they were a bad kid last year just ignore them and get through the year
• pay attention to the good kids because they are our future doctors and lawyers
• a teachers job is to create order and structure, to give information and make sure it is regurgitated back through standardized testing
  
• brag about how many F's you give out because it validates your negativity about your students and shows how "hard" your class is
• create another adult in the lives of these students that intimidate them and make them feel like they are bad for being kids

The average 12 year old needs to move around. Their body is growing and actually physically aches because they need to stratch and walk and jump and run. We keep them in chairs for at least 6 hours a day. We yell at them when they jump to reach the top of the doorways.

They are just starting to have real relationships, most of which are rocky at best. Best friends are made and lost in the course of a day. Those students that do not have a strong relationship with their family rely on these friendships for support. Friends have become the new family in recent generations. We seperate friends for fear they may try to pass notes or whisper between homework problems.

They are just realizing that they are able to make their own decisions, they question authority, they seek out ways to show their individuality. We try to make their decisions for them, we call their questioning insubordination, and we seek to conform them all into the perfect student.

That's not how I teach. I am sorry but I don't buy into it.

I have 6 students around my desk discussing the moral and ethical ramifications of genetic design while 2 of my students are drawing a cover for a comic book they are writing together and the rest of my students are working in groups discussing the books they are reading. A veteran teacher walks into my classroom and yells at my students to get in their seats and to shut up and do their work. Nobody was yelling, no student was in danger, no school rules were being broken. But her students were all silently working (or doing nothing - which is fine by her as long as it is quiet) and she feels mine should be too.

Let me ask you...how many of her students will remember the worksheet they finished that afternoon? Maybe none of my students will remember their arguments for or against designing their new baby brother but they will hold onto the skills theu learned from the debate. They may not remember what book they read but they will be more likely look at reading as something enjoyable than as a chore. As for the two kids and the comic book, they will know that not everyone thinks their creative endevors are foolhearty and a waste of time.

I let the fact that other teachers view me as a bad teacher get to me. I tried to show them how well my students did on their science test that was easily a high school level test but still all they can see is the teacher with the chaotic classroom.

I started last week in model teacher mode. I yelled everytime they acted disorderly. I called them out in front of everyone and made them feel ashamed for being kids. They obeyed out of fear of my yelling but I could see the level of learning decrease with every student I confined to their seat. One brave student finally put me in my place.

"Did something bad happen to you, are you ok?" she asked with much trepidation, "You have been yelling at us all week. You are usually so happy and fun. Now we don't have anyplace to go that makes us feel safe. We get yelled at everywhere we go. How do you think that makes us feel?"

I wish she would have gotten through to me at that moment but I kept seeing those other teachers disapproving looks.

So I answered bitterly "How do you think it makes me feel that I spend hours trying to think of fun things for you to do, I listen to your stories, I encourage you and I brag about how great you are to anyone that will listen and you cannot even give me the smallest amount of respect to sit in your seat or to work quietly when I ask you? Is it my fault that you don't listen to me, that you continue to talk or wander around? Should I have to raise my voice to get you to pay attention to me? Is it fair that I look like a bad teacher because my students are disrespectful? There is a point in time when you need to grow up and take responsibility for your actions. Until that happens this is the teacher you get. You better get used to it"

That is when the tears came. I saw myself turn into all the teachers I have grown to hate. It had nothing to do with my students. They are all wonderful. The other teachers call them terrors. In reality they simply have a healthy dose of intelligence and personality. I would not trade them for any other classroom and yet I tore into them as if they were the cause of all of my frustration. I felt terrible but I said nothing. I just turned my attitude around and pretended nothing had happened.

Then this afternoon they surprised me with their secret homework they had over the weekend. Each student went home after my outburst and made a card for me saying that they were sorry and that they had never had a better teacher and that they would act however they wanted as long as I did not become like the other teachers.

I cried a second time. This time because I realized that they are what matters. Not the other teachers or the principal or parents. My students. They are the reason I do what I do. I don't want to change them or the way I teach. There is no way my students would be able to describe the cell cycle to you in detail if my classroom was ran like a detention center.

They learned it because it was fun. Because I made even the most misunderstood student feel smart. I expected the best from them and they came through for me. I failed them and they showered me with love and encouragement.

I may never get teacher of the year but I know that every student in my classroom has learned something that will stick with them through life. It is not the phases of Mitosis or the meaning of philanthropy. It is the confidence to beleive in themself, the courage to question, and the importance of forgiveness. It will never show up on a standardized test but it is the only way I will ever determine my success as a teacher.