you've got mail

The following was written in response to an email (from the person I was hiking with in this picture) I received about my previous post - I thought it might make a good post itself:

There are tons of people that have done exactly what I want to do (women included) and I know all of the risks and I feel like this might be the last time in my life that I can do something like this. Something really selfish.

If I get married and settle down, my life will be set out for me. All throughout my life I have met amazing people that the average person would feel lucky to have in their life. They have given me their hearts and I have closed mine to them. Its not that I am cold or unloving, and I am not even sure it has anything to do with me being afraid to get hurt. I am afraid that as soon as I decide to settle down with someone that my life will be set for me. I have let myself get stuck in relationships that are safe and I can't help but wonder what my life would have been like if I had stayed single.

I think I have been trying to find that perfect person that will embrace life with me but I recently realized that that person may not exist. The person I should be focusing on is me. What can I do? What am I capable of? I run from things I am scared of. I wanted Americorps instead of Teach for America because Ohio was safe and New Mexico was foreign and scary. I don't challange myself because what if I fail? I always do what is safe, what is practical.

I know you are worried about what will happen if I go but think about what might happen if I stay. Think about all those things you loved about me dying. That poetry in my heart beginning to fade away. The dance in my soul being stilled by obligations. The song on my lips muffled by the worried thoughts in my head. I am already questioning if I really am any different than all these lifeless souls walking around me. I have always been naive and thought that I was put here for a reason, that each person I meet I have the ability to enrich their lives. I'm not ready for that part of me to die yet. I still beleive in destiny and magic and the possiblity that anything is possible. Each day I spend here my thoughts turn more rational and my ideas seem like child's tales. That is why I need to go. That part of me threatens to die each day and everyday I have to fight to keep it alive.

I am not depressed or anything - I don't want you to worry about me. For the greater part of the day I am quite content. I wake in the morning to a run, a morning stroll, a dance in the park, the sun rising to guide me back home. I teach, I inspire, I touch hearts, I soothe pain, I change lives. Then I rejuvenate myself by spending my evenings with friends and family or a nice bike ride to organize my thoughts. My life is good. But despite it all I know there is something out there waiting for me. I know I can be so much more than I am. I live a mediocre existence because the world is more comfortable with that. Those who question and excel are labeled "threats". The threaten the idea that people should accept the world for what it is. Accept that people are doing the best they can. As long as I can come home to my big screen TV and have instant access to anything I could ever want I must live in a world that is good.

Well it is BS. The world is messed up. But I am not going to blame the government or media or corporations. The fault lies in us. Each and every one of us. We accept our fate rather than control our destiny. So many people are unhappy and they should be. They are married because it is what their friends were doing. They have babies because they think it will fill an emptiness in their lives. They work way too much to buy things they think they need. All of these things are just distractions, keeping people from realizing they are in control of their lives. I might not control gas prices but I control how I get to work. I cannot save all the animals but I can make sure none of them died for me. I cannot control the fact that people are insolent but I can control how I treat them in return.

The world is unsafe for Americans you say. Will I be judged because I was born in a certain place. If I travel to a place and I am open to the people and their culture will they turn me away? I don't doubt that I will run into people that will look at me a certain way, but by assuming it will be so and not trying to change their perceptions I am saying that it is ok. I know I am just one person, but maybe I will inspire another, and they another and so it goes on until the things I say don't seem so crazy.

I feel like I got out of control in this email but you are one of the few people that I felt really got a chance to know me. Your kind words and encouragement always give me the strength to do things that frighten me. Although at times I feel that your impression of me is rather romanticized, it feels good to have a friend that beleives in you. My first published work will be dedicated to you! Until then, worry less about me and know that I will always follow my heart and no matter where it leads me I will be a better person for it.