Perpetual Reverie

2009-08-18T09:13:00.000-07:00

What's your Jung typology? ;-)

2006-11-01T12:45:00.000-08:00

Since moving to Portland I have realized there are important questions to ask before pursuing a boy:

1. Are you married? (and yes if the paperwork has not been filled you ARE still married

2. Do you have a girlfriend? (yes it counts even if they are on a different continent)

3. Are you one of those artistic-over emotional boys that put you on speaker phone instead of mute to talk about you in front of your friends and then make long embarrassing phone calls back to try to rectify your mistake?

4. Do you live in NW? (I am making a point not to date anyone in my hood because I see the same people ALL the time)

5. What's your Jung typology?

Mr. "I have a girlfriend but she lives in S. America" is actually a pretty cool guy and turns out a great resource for Pulitzer quality books and insights into my soul. Hence, question number five - my new pick up line!

So said guy had me take this online quiz (which I have taken before but at a non-reflective time in my life) and since then I have done a bit of research into my results. Turns out they are pretty dead on. It bodes poorly for me in the future because it is likely I will never be satisfied but there is a good chance that I will help others find the satisfaction they are seeking!

I was once asked to write an essay describing myself and mine was entitled "The Catalyst". I have a penchant for metaphors and analogies so it was only natural that I spoke of myself in a detached type of way. The catalyst is nothing on its own...full of possibilities but worthless if isolated from the world. It is drawn to those that need a spark to reach their potential. Being a catalyst can be one of the most satisfying things in this world because you can step back and say "I helped make that happen" However in this world there are promotors (accelerates the catalyst) and inhibitors (stunts the catalyst).

I spent the last 6 years of my life with an inhibitor. I didn't realize it until last night. Talking to a friend that I recently met that talked about how full of life and energy I was and I realized that those words would not be used to describe me for the past 5 years. The 22 years before and the past 6 months yes. But there is a part of my life that I was so bogged down with self doubt and insecurity and focusing on making one person happy that the catalyst in me went dead.....or so I thought.

Luckily I met promotors that were so awesome and so powerful that they erased 5 years of stagnation with one swoop of friendship. Leaving them (and my family) was the hardest thing I have ever done in my life but I know that they will ALWAYS be a part of my life even if 90% of our communication is through Facebook or emotional phone calls. I love you guys and would convince a guy to take a bullet for any of you (right Ren?)

So back to the Jung. The real problem I am facing is that the person I match up with the best (they gave me 2 options but the first one and I would totally butt heads!) is only found in less than 1 percent of the population. So every time I meet a guy I know that there is a 99% chance he is not the one - I don't know about you but if someone says there is a 99% chance of sunshine I leave my umbrella at home. Does that mean that I should end my idyllic quest to meet my perfect match that will wander the world with me in search of beauty and truth? Am I really that confident that I will find that one in a hundred guy that will make me quit looking for something better?

Maybe that is why I meet 20 new friends everytime I go out. I was described by someone as a human Facebook. When I go out I tend to "add as friend" without the fear that they might rather stick with what they have. But just maybe one of these "add as friends" will be a promotor: the maid of honor at my wedding, godmother of my child, the publisher of my first book, the love of my life! All because of four little words: "we should be friends"

You might think that it is really lame or that your life is not able to be summed up by four little letters but you are wrong. Take the test (it is REALLY short) and then leave a comment to let me know what you are! It will let people know just how to love/support/encourage you best!

Portland or bust!

2006-10-15T18:19:00.000-07:00

I was told that the 15th was the unofficial first day of the rainy season and they were right. On and off all day. I love the rain so it has been nice - a chance to try out the raincoat and boots and go hiking where the tree cover provides a partial shelter from the rain. Let's see what six months of this does to me!

Ok so here's the deal....Portland has been kind of crazy for me. Not that I have gone out and done crazy things. I think I have been in denial that I am not in Ohio anymore. Everything felt so natural and I was not nervous or uncomfortable finding my place in the city. Then all of a sudden it hits me...I am all alone!

Not having any friends has felt really lonely but also very interesting. I get to see myself at my worst. I am lonely in a way I have never been before. It is not a cry myself to sleep loneliness but a I wish I had someone to call if I needed them - that I know would be there in a moments notice. I was really babied by my friends. There was always someone to talk to, hang out with, be silly with. It has been 2 weeks since I have been truly silly and I miss it so much! I feel like anyone I meet right now is going to think I am totally needy and weird and will not want to be friends with me at all. I want the old me back!

However, a good friend told me to give it a month and that I might be miserable for that month but it all would pass and one day I would wake up with a smile on my face and say "wow I am really happy"! Well today was not that day but I have faith it will happen soon.

So I wrote the following a few days ago. I never published it because it was a little scary for me. What if I never feel at home here? What if I made a huge mistake and have to go back home feeling like a quitter?

Today I woke up with a smile on my face.

I have lots of super friendly people I can call if I want to go out.

I have one person that I feel like I can be totally honest with - even things about myself that I don't like.

I played REAL ultimate and was asked to go to my first tourney and to practice with a team!

I made BFF with a girl that undoubtable has to think I am crazy but will realize it is in a good way!

I have a roomie that is not only cool to live with but fun to hang out with!

The play Toots and the Maytals in coffee shops and shoe stores here....and they tour here!

I live a mile away from amazingly beautiful park where I can run and get away from it all!

There are an infinite amount of HOT guys that like to hike/bike/run/ski/surf and can do these things on a football Saturday!

My friends back home are still great and still give me great advice even from 2500 miles from home!

So basically the only way things could be better is if:

all my friends/family moved to Portland and raised its cool factor
I actually had a job - and did not spend so much time on this computer applying for jobs and waiting for interview requests
the rainy season decided to bypass Portland (at least NW) just for this winter
Orlando Bloom became my neighbor and aggressively tried to court me

So things are good - and I think they will only get better! I miss everyone SO much but I know when I come back in December it will be like I never left and I will appreciate everyone that much more from not having them around all the time!

:-)

Indecision 2006

2006-01-09T14:28:00.000-08:00

So this is what it feels like to be paralyzed.

I have dreams, goals, desires, and needs to be met and yet nothing is moving towards what I want. In fact nothing is moving at all, that is the problem. I have become so worried about making decisions...making the wrong decisions....I am not making any at all.

I know all of these people that are getting married and settling down and it looks so easy and practical. They have a path, they have direction, and most importantly they have someone there by their side whenever the road gets tough.

I have created a world for myself where I walk alone. I feel that if I let myself get close to someone again I will inevitably be right back to where I was a few years ago.....molding my life around another person.

So what do I do? All of the decisions we make are only based on where we are at during that point in time. Beliefs...desires....outlooks on the world are as constant as the breeze. The decisions I make for myself today are eventually going to impact me far into the future....effect a person that I have yet to become. How do you make decisions for someone you don't even know...a person that does not even exist?

I have made decisions in the past that I do regret. I know they say everything in life leads you to where you are supposed to be but I refuse to beleive that certain people are meant to be homeless or abused or dead at a young age. All of these things happen because of decisions. A decision to drop out of school, a decision to forgive and forget, a decision to race a friend to school.

People make wrong decisions. They make them all the time. Life is so precarious...one false step could mean the difference between life long happiness and eternal regret.

Fortunately the one thing I can say for sure is that the idleness of complacentcy is a sure path away from happiness. A decision is overdue - no more time left for doubt.

nothing to say

2005-12-18T20:24:00.000-08:00

This is what I would look like if I was a cartoon....

during the fall on a path leading to the woods......

with my little pet dragon....

named Smaug.

where is the love?

2005-11-17T13:27:00.000-08:00

She walks in with tears in her eyes. Her heart has already been broken by a half a dozen boys and she is only 11 years old. I prepare to hear another sob story about the lastest boy who has done her wrong. I could have never guessed what was about to come out of her mouth.

She starts to tell me about her brother. He had been of age and his girlfriend slightly younger. After a bad breakup the girl and her family decide to press charges. It gets ugly and the jury feels for the girl and he goes to jail for 3 years. Statutory rape. All of this while my student was only 8 years old.

For three years she lost her brother. Upon his homecoming she was excited and realived. She has missed him....she is glad to have him back. Until the flyers go around.

In this country, if you are convicted of any sort of sexual crime you must be registered as a sexual offender and the city is allowed to put out flyers with your picture and address and the fact that you are not only dangerous but disgusting.
Its hard to say what I think about this. People should know if a 40 year old man raped a 13 year old girl....but an 18 year old boy and his 16 year old girlfriend? To me that is a bit ridiculous.

These flyers found their way to the skating party last night where my student thought she was going to have a great time. Until her mother could pick her up she was barraged with insults about her brother and family and herself. They asked her if he liked little boys as much as Michael Jackson......if he ever tried to do it with her......if she was the same way.

I couldn't help but cry as she told me what she had to go through. I hugged her even though we are not allowed to touch our students. I felt her pain and felt helpless that I could not do anything to make it go away. I was so angry that people are so cruel that they would lash out at such a sweet beautiful girl.

I know I am not supposed to worry about these things. My job is to teach them and prepare them for the world. But I care, I care so much. Everytime they hurt I hurt to. When they fall I fall. I can't help it. I wanted the other teachers to be as outraged as I was and all I get the the obligatory "That is terrible" and back to their work. How did people get so cold? Where is the love?

tears and handwritten cards

2005-10-31T17:24:00.000-08:00

Two desperate tears made their way silently down my face as my students sat gazing at me in utter shock.

Sadly they thought it was their fault.

In reality the fault lies in the school system today.

first you put 20+ adolescent students into a classroom for 7 hours a day
you expect them to sit quietly, follow an endless supply of commands, they must raise their hands to make a statement, to leave their seat, to use the restroom
they must not be moved by the excitement of learning and shout out an answer they know
if they finish their work early they must be punished by giving them more work
if they were a bad kid last year just ignore them and get through the year
pay attention to the good kids because they are our future doctors and lawyers
a teachers job is to create order and structure, to give information and make sure it is regurgitated back through standardized testing
brag about how many F's you give out because it validates your negativity about your students and shows how "hard" your class is
create another adult in the lives of these students that intimidate them and make them feel like they are bad for being kids

The average 12 year old needs to move around. Their body is growing and actually physically aches because they need to stratch and walk and jump and run. We keep them in chairs for at least 6 hours a day. We yell at them when they jump to reach the top of the doorways.

They are just starting to have real relationships, most of which are rocky at best. Best friends are made and lost in the course of a day. Those students that do not have a strong relationship with their family rely on these friendships for support. Friends have become the new family in recent generations. We seperate friends for fear they may try to pass notes or whisper between homework problems.

They are just realizing that they are able to make their own decisions, they question authority, they seek out ways to show their individuality. We try to make their decisions for them, we call their questioning insubordination, and we seek to conform them all into the perfect student.

That's not how I teach. I am sorry but I don't buy into it.

I have 6 students around my desk discussing the moral and ethical ramifications of genetic design while 2 of my students are drawing a cover for a comic book they are writing together and the rest of my students are working in groups discussing the books they are reading. A veteran teacher walks into my classroom and yells at my students to get in their seats and to shut up and do their work. Nobody was yelling, no student was in danger, no school rules were being broken. But her students were all silently working (or doing nothing - which is fine by her as long as it is quiet) and she feels mine should be too.

Let me ask you...how many of her students will remember the worksheet they finished that afternoon? Maybe none of my students will remember their arguments for or against designing their new baby brother but they will hold onto the skills theu learned from the debate. They may not remember what book they read but they will be more likely look at reading as something enjoyable than as a chore. As for the two kids and the comic book, they will know that not everyone thinks their creative endevors are foolhearty and a waste of time.

I let the fact that other teachers view me as a bad teacher get to me. I tried to show them how well my students did on their science test that was easily a high school level test but still all they can see is the teacher with the chaotic classroom.

I started last week in model teacher mode. I yelled everytime they acted disorderly. I called them out in front of everyone and made them feel ashamed for being kids. They obeyed out of fear of my yelling but I could see the level of learning decrease with every student I confined to their seat. One brave student finally put me in my place.

"Did something bad happen to you, are you ok?" she asked with much trepidation, "You have been yelling at us all week. You are usually so happy and fun. Now we don't have anyplace to go that makes us feel safe. We get yelled at everywhere we go. How do you think that makes us feel?"

I wish she would have gotten through to me at that moment but I kept seeing those other teachers disapproving looks.

So I answered bitterly "How do you think it makes me feel that I spend hours trying to think of fun things for you to do, I listen to your stories, I encourage you and I brag about how great you are to anyone that will listen and you cannot even give me the smallest amount of respect to sit in your seat or to work quietly when I ask you? Is it my fault that you don't listen to me, that you continue to talk or wander around? Should I have to raise my voice to get you to pay attention to me? Is it fair that I look like a bad teacher because my students are disrespectful? There is a point in time when you need to grow up and take responsibility for your actions. Until that happens this is the teacher you get. You better get used to it"

That is when the tears came. I saw myself turn into all the teachers I have grown to hate. It had nothing to do with my students. They are all wonderful. The other teachers call them terrors. In reality they simply have a healthy dose of intelligence and personality. I would not trade them for any other classroom and yet I tore into them as if they were the cause of all of my frustration. I felt terrible but I said nothing. I just turned my attitude around and pretended nothing had happened.

Then this afternoon they surprised me with their secret homework they had over the weekend. Each student went home after my outburst and made a card for me saying that they were sorry and that they had never had a better teacher and that they would act however they wanted as long as I did not become like the other teachers.

I cried a second time. This time because I realized that they are what matters. Not the other teachers or the principal or parents. My students. They are the reason I do what I do. I don't want to change them or the way I teach. There is no way my students would be able to describe the cell cycle to you in detail if my classroom was ran like a detention center.

They learned it because it was fun. Because I made even the most misunderstood student feel smart. I expected the best from them and they came through for me. I failed them and they showered me with love and encouragement.

I may never get teacher of the year but I know that every student in my classroom has learned something that will stick with them through life. It is not the phases of Mitosis or the meaning of philanthropy. It is the confidence to beleive in themself, the courage to question, and the importance of forgiveness. It will never show up on a standardized test but it is the only way I will ever determine my success as a teacher.

Weekend in Review

2005-10-24T20:18:00.000-07:00

Every Monday in my classroom we do a little thing called Weekend in Review. It lets my students readjust to being back in the classroom again and lets me know what they get into over the weekend. Since I started doing it I have noticed that their stories they share have moved from the video games and movies that they have watched to biking and exploring and other adventures they set out on. Some kids have even talked about how they spent one day cleaning up their neighborhood and recycling all they could. One student convinced his family to go camping for the first time in 5 years. I can't take all the credit...but I am going to take some.

So here it is...my weekend in review:

read an awesome book in the car - man how I would love to just pack up and leave!
magic show: how did he get that drawing of the card to move?
the millenium force: 90 mph + pouring rain + the front seat = a sore face
fortune teller: wanted the Gypsy Queen but I got her dumb blonde sidekick
hiking 10 miles in the rain - with my own personal guide - fantastic
teaching a singing Portuguese woman the cha cha on the porch of the hostel
hanging out with the coolest 5th grader - who hates wet pants and homework
eating fresh vegatables cooked in olive oil by the greatest chef: Bob
saw a dozen deer, two toads, some yellow varmit and a pack of coyotes
Singing "I Feel Pretty" when all of us were covered in mud (except Nana)
hiking another 10 miles with a cool chick from Idaho and 20 people twice our age
the leaves....ohhh the leaves are so pretty right now

Me all bundled up and ready to take on our annual trip to Cedar Point to brave the harsh elements of October just so I don't have to wait in lines!

Photo collage of the Cuyahogo Valley.....

Lots of waterfalls, one of the rainy day that I hiked, a couple of deer, and some of the leaves that were sooo pretty!

The middle picture is of McKenna looking at a deer.....it's a shame I can't show her face because there are so many weirdos out there nowadays! You can see her muddy back from her bike ride though....pretty tough kid biking in the rain like that!

Camping

2005-10-16T16:34:00.000-07:00

Ahhh camping. The smell of the earth. The crackle of leaves. The earth breathing all around you. Rays of sunlights breaking through the canopy. Hawks swooping. Smoke rising. Every nerve in your body feeling more alive because you are no longer protected.

<---- I took this picture to remind myself that not too long ago I felt free. I laid down on the earth and let go of everything the week had brought to me. I let go of it because I realized it doesn't matter. Things that cause us pain and stress right now in the moment will soon become just memories of the past. As my grandma would say "and this too shall pass".

This was the first camping trip I have taken since I had the grand idea to take to the open road. For me it wasn't just cooking over the campfire, spending 20 minutes trying to hatchet my way through a log and swinging from vines. The whole night seemed like it was basic training to see if I was up to the challenge. Senarios kept running through my mind for what trouble I might run into along the way.

I will run out of money (most likely)
I will come across an overly friendly man (I get that here)
I will be in the freezing cold with no place to stay (scary)
I will find myself on a road that never seems to end
My stuff will get stolen/broken
I will be exhausted (mentally and physically)
I will be hurt/maimed/killed (at least the first one)

As I walked through the woods I came upon a tree that was only still standing because of the sympathy of the earth. It was rotting from the inside out and I could feel the soft give of its trunk. Usually I would look at the tree and feel sad and move on. I hate to see things die and usually turn my back to them and pretend they are not there.

This time I decided to recognize its death by celebrating its life. I imagined all the tree had seen and been in its day. Growing from a tiny seed to a mighty tree despite the odds. Home to birds and squirrels and chipmunks and creepy crawlers. Giving shade to the forest floor. Keeping the earth protected with its strong roots.

It came down with a thunderous sound as if it was exhaling its final breath. It formed to the earth as its body prepared to nurture new seedlings to come. And so it continues.

So what if this was my new home? What if I had no bed, no stove, no phone, no computer to come home to? What if my only source for information about the outside world came from people I met on the street? I only hear from my family and friends when I am in a place long enough to get mail.

I did realize this weekend that I like to be alone. Not because I don't like the company of other people. I like to call my own shots, set my own pace, live my life the way I want to live it.

I was afraid that I would get lonely or that the experience would not be as great if there was no one to share it with. I think at times it would be nice to share those moments with someone else but I doubt there is anyone out there that could match up with me. I would need a person with perpetual optimism, the type of person that laughs when everything falls apart. They would have to know when to give me space and when to comfort me. They would have to trust me when I do things they don't understand and be up for anything.

So far the only person I have met that fits that description is myself so this trip is destined to be a solo adventure. It actually is better because people that travel solo are more likely to be approached and welcomed by locals.

my favorite picture from this weekend.....I am so happy...a happiness that is not easily obtained in the city!

See the rest of the pics from this weekend here.

you've got mail

2005-10-13T21:39:00.000-07:00

The following was written in response to an email (from the person I was hiking with in this picture) I received about my previous post - I thought it might make a good post itself:

There are tons of people that have done exactly what I want to do (women included) and I know all of the risks and I feel like this might be the last time in my life that I can do something like this. Something really selfish.

If I get married and settle down, my life will be set out for me. All throughout my life I have met amazing people that the average person would feel lucky to have in their life. They have given me their hearts and I have closed mine to them. Its not that I am cold or unloving, and I am not even sure it has anything to do with me being afraid to get hurt. I am afraid that as soon as I decide to settle down with someone that my life will be set for me. I have let myself get stuck in relationships that are safe and I can't help but wonder what my life would have been like if I had stayed single.

I think I have been trying to find that perfect person that will embrace life with me but I recently realized that that person may not exist. The person I should be focusing on is me. What can I do? What am I capable of? I run from things I am scared of. I wanted Americorps instead of Teach for America because Ohio was safe and New Mexico was foreign and scary. I don't challange myself because what if I fail? I always do what is safe, what is practical.

I know you are worried about what will happen if I go but think about what might happen if I stay. Think about all those things you loved about me dying. That poetry in my heart beginning to fade away. The dance in my soul being stilled by obligations. The song on my lips muffled by the worried thoughts in my head. I am already questioning if I really am any different than all these lifeless souls walking around me. I have always been naive and thought that I was put here for a reason, that each person I meet I have the ability to enrich their lives. I'm not ready for that part of me to die yet. I still beleive in destiny and magic and the possiblity that anything is possible. Each day I spend here my thoughts turn more rational and my ideas seem like child's tales. That is why I need to go. That part of me threatens to die each day and everyday I have to fight to keep it alive.

I am not depressed or anything - I don't want you to worry about me. For the greater part of the day I am quite content. I wake in the morning to a run, a morning stroll, a dance in the park, the sun rising to guide me back home. I teach, I inspire, I touch hearts, I soothe pain, I change lives. Then I rejuvenate myself by spending my evenings with friends and family or a nice bike ride to organize my thoughts. My life is good. But despite it all I know there is something out there waiting for me. I know I can be so much more than I am. I live a mediocre existence because the world is more comfortable with that. Those who question and excel are labeled "threats". The threaten the idea that people should accept the world for what it is. Accept that people are doing the best they can. As long as I can come home to my big screen TV and have instant access to anything I could ever want I must live in a world that is good.

Well it is BS. The world is messed up. But I am not going to blame the government or media or corporations. The fault lies in us. Each and every one of us. We accept our fate rather than control our destiny. So many people are unhappy and they should be. They are married because it is what their friends were doing. They have babies because they think it will fill an emptiness in their lives. They work way too much to buy things they think they need. All of these things are just distractions, keeping people from realizing they are in control of their lives. I might not control gas prices but I control how I get to work. I cannot save all the animals but I can make sure none of them died for me. I cannot control the fact that people are insolent but I can control how I treat them in return.

The world is unsafe for Americans you say. Will I be judged because I was born in a certain place. If I travel to a place and I am open to the people and their culture will they turn me away? I don't doubt that I will run into people that will look at me a certain way, but by assuming it will be so and not trying to change their perceptions I am saying that it is ok. I know I am just one person, but maybe I will inspire another, and they another and so it goes on until the things I say don't seem so crazy.

I feel like I got out of control in this email but you are one of the few people that I felt really got a chance to know me. Your kind words and encouragement always give me the strength to do things that frighten me. Although at times I feel that your impression of me is rather romanticized, it feels good to have a friend that beleives in you. My first published work will be dedicated to you! Until then, worry less about me and know that I will always follow my heart and no matter where it leads me I will be a better person for it.

not all those who wander are lost.....

2005-10-10T18:22:00.000-07:00

Life is too easy.

This thought crossed my mind as I biked home in the early morning darkness. The sun had not risen yet and the thrill I felt from having to navigate blindly lasted only until I realized if I became aware enough that I could sense where the trees started and the path ended. I have been biking back and forth from my uncle's house for a few weeks now and the challenge it once gave me has become paltry.

I want to take a big leap of faith but I am afraid I will make too many people in my life mad at me. In two weeks I am going to bike from Sandusky to Columbus and that alone has brought my family up in arms against me. I know they are just worried - but it is frustrating to always have people telling you what you cannot do.

So about my leap.

I live in Ohio. Always have. I have people I love here. I have a good life.

I want more.

I want to travel. Not to sightsee, even though there are many things I am dying to see. I want to make each place I travel to my home. I want to save up money - sell everything I have - and leave the states to see what else is out there. I want to go to a place where life is not as easy. I want to feel hungry and then the extreme satisfaction of earning a nice meal. I want to see what makes us all the same and what other people know that I don't. I want the freedom to leave when I am restless and to linger where I desire.

I know none of this is practical and I know all of the arguments against it.

traveling alone is unsafe - I might be mugged/beaten/killed
I could get malaria, typhoid, yellow fever etc.
I should be saving for retirement
I just spent most of my life in school (you don't need a Master to pick mangos)
I will be leaving people that care about me

But what about the possibilities?

I will meet people I never would get the chance to in Columbus
I will see things that should be seen in person not in books
I will find out exactly what I am capable of
I will live my life without regrets
I will be brave (because even the idea of doing this scares the crap out of me)
I will have memories that are worth far more than what I would save for retirement
I will wake every morning knowing a challenge will greet me

I have only told 2 people about my plan until this point. Even writing about it here is scary. I know people from my family will read this (you cannot tell grandma - I don't want her to have a heart attack) and soon the mass number of "you can't do that's" are going to come my way. I really hope that I can stick to my guns. I always want to make people happy but this is something that I really want to do for me. Most likely I will fail miserably and will head back in a few months after I realize that I don't have it in me to be brave every day. But let me fail.

I beleive in destiny. I open my life to possibilities by putting myself out there to meet people that might influence me or being in places that I normally would not go because something draws me there and that small diversion might make all the difference in my life. I can pinpoint the moment that I was destined to spend 5 years with my ex to a single trip to a gas station. The little choices make all of the difference.

I recently met someone who is a lot like me - passionate about life but afraid to take that leap of faith. He has the potential to do amazing things but he has chosen to live the life that society has dictated to him. Caught in the machine because he can't see his way around it. Cursing the world for stifling his dreams instead of commanding his own destiny. It seemed so disheartening to me but then I realized I was given a chance to see myself from another person's eyes. I love what I do but I do it because it is acceptable and still pleasing to me. I stay here because I feel obligations to those I love. I chose not to live MY life and rather live the life that others want for me.

My aunt and uncle just returned from their bike trip down the Pacific coast and they brought me a simple gift that was more important to me than they could know. A collection of stories written by women who have traveled the world on their own - just 3 days after I had told my friend that I wanted to do just that. I'm not sure what they would think of me traveling on my own but I know that they have that same spirit of adventure and on some level they would at least understand my desires.

Maybe I am a fool, but I would rather be a fool that followed my heart than a coward that lived someone else's life.

life...or something like it

2005-09-03T13:57:00.000-07:00

Aquarius

September 03, 2005

The interpersonal energy is a little off right now -- you're reading them wrong, or they're reading you wrong, or the all-important stuff between the lines is going unnoticed. Look closer rather than letting it go.

That was my horoscope today. People say that it is all a bunch of crap but I think there are a lot of things in this world that we don't understand. For me this horoscope holds very true. I can't remember the last time I really tried to connect with someone. Not on a superficial level but really let myself go and trust someone. I forgot all of the hassles that go along with it. I realized that deep down when it comes to a relationship I am highly disfunctional. Its as if every bad thing that happened to me growing up resurfaces and makes me feel like a child again anytime a person I trust does anything to let me down.

There is nothing I can do to control the future or to change the past but I can change my perceptions and the way I accept new things into my life. To deal with the past I think it is time that I accept it for what it was. I don't like to air dirty laundry because doing so would hurt people that I really care about but I hate the fact that I know there are other people out there going through the same thing just like me but they hold things in because they feel as if that is just their lot in life.

I was reading a story to my class about this tarantula that wanted to have all of the wisdom he could acquire so that he could be the wisest and he realized that the greatest wisdom was sharing what you know with others. If people could just share what they have learned from the hard spots in their life and the mistakes they have made with those going through the same thing I feel everyone could benefit. If gives that terrible thing that happened a purpose.

moving out and moving on....

2005-08-17T09:37:00.000-07:00

I remember how much I dreaded moving into that dark, dungeon like apartment. It was worse than a bachelor pad, it was a dump. The shower didn't drain, the closet doors were broken, the blinds were trashed. I tried to do everything I could to make it like a home. I bought silly shag rugs and I sewed pillows and potted plants. Now my poor plants are dead. The rugs have become drying racks for sweaty ultimate clothes and the pillows are now randomly thrown around the place.

I don't think I will miss the crappy furniture or the clogged up shower, but I will miss the feeling I had when I first moved in. That feeling of optimism and happiness thinking you are taking the next step with someone that you really love. Coming home to someone that you know really cares how your day was and having the confort of knowing that if it was a bad day that person knows just how to make you feel better.

I know that everything happens for a reason and that I am better off now than I was 6 months ago but it is hard sometimes not to want to go and cuddle up in my old bed and have someone kiss me goodnight and tell me how much they love me. It is even harder knowing that you are losing that one person you can always depend on to be there for you, that knows you better than anyone else and that loves you no matter how stupid you act or how bad you look.

Yet even now, with tears in my eyes, I would not change a thing. I have traveled to places I would have never gone on my own. I have had so many amazing memories and have learned so much that I gladly take these tears and sadness. They remind me that I had something that is worth missing. That in the past five years I have been loved, I have been challanged, and most importantly I have loved.

~ TM ~

it is better to have loved and lost than to have lost your key

2005-08-04T10:23:00.000-07:00

Last night I learned a lesson in love. When I was young I thought love was racing hearts, longing gazes and the yearning desire to hold and be held. I have felt these things time and time again and have walked away from them as soon as the heart begins to falter, the gazes become glances and the desire turns to obligation. Still I considered this to be love. Fleeting as it may be, but love indeed.

As it turns out I was wrong. Love is so much more powerful, wonderful and painful than any of the things I mentioned before. I watched helplessly as someone took over the role I had played for so many years. It felt strange and sad but more than anything I realized that I want to know that the role would be filled in my absence.

I found myself taking the blame for things that were not my fault last night. My ego took a backseat so that I could make someone feel better. I could have argued that the fault of a lost key would lie in the one that carried the key. I could have complained about the complete lack of sleep and the cuts on my hands from my first (and hopefully last) attempt of breaking and entering.

I didn't because more than I wanted to vent, or stick up for myself, or ridicule stupidity I wanted to make someone happy. I wanted to take away their frustration and humiliation and give them whatever it was that would make them happy. What made me realize that this was truly love is that I expected (and wanted) nothing in return.

I used to think that love was selfish. A desire to be everything to one person, to have them think you were their everything in return. Demanding affection and destroying individuality.

Now I see that love is letting the person be exactly who they are, giving them the space to find happiness anywhere they can get it, and encouraging them to live the best lives that they can.

On a sadder note:

The war in Iraq finally hits home. I had an exboyfriend in Iraq until just recently and I was always so relieved to hear from him each time that he wrote. He sent pictures to us that showed him smiling and getting hugs from little Iraqi children and somehow he made me feel like there was some happiness for soldiers in the savage craziness they are forced to live.

However, last night I learned that one of Kevin's family died that day. I did not know him but I knew the people that loved him. He had an incredible mom and a brand new wife and baby. Although his life was cut short, I could tell he was loved in this way, and I am sure it made all the difference.

It is in moments like these that I realize how important it is not to take anything for granted. Life is too short to be cowardly. Live by the phrase Carpe Diem or maybe more appropriately here Semper Fi...always be faithful...to your heart, your friends, and your loves. So that every day that you live will have meaning and lead to even better tomorrows.

Because that is what I do!

2005-07-13T12:11:00.000-07:00

Ok topic of the day: Drinking and driving. For me this is a huge NO NO. Not only is it stupid to do for your own safety - you could hurt other people - maybe even kill them! It is so dumb yet most people I know either do it or have done it more than once. A friend of mine recently got a DUI and is all of a sudden re-evaluating things in his life. He has to spend a weekend in jail and loses his license. I think people that get DUI and shape up are the lucky ones. What if he had gotten into an accident and killed someone. He would be in jail a lot longer than a weekend. Another friend of a friend rationalizes her daily drunk driving as just "what I do", as if it were like telling bad jokes or eating too much sweets. "Sara, would you like a ride home" - "No thanks, I am going to drive home even though I can't even walk straight because that is what I do". People like that make me question the future of the human race.

But life goes on and people remain idiots and I will keep getting annoyed and waste my time writing about things that will never change...because that is what I do. Peace out.

Movies overload

2005-07-09T05:51:00.000-07:00

I just realized yesterday, after watching one of the worst movies ever, that I have seen way too many movies lately. We get free passes all the time to go to the Arena theatre and in between shifts it is so easy to do - even though I should be out riding my bike or something. Anyway - save you some time from watching the bad ones:

The Movies of 2005

Be Cool: should have been called Be Long - with tons of boring musical distractions. Next time just let the Rock and Vince Vaughn do their thing and it will be much better. Grade: O (for oops sorry I fell asleep)

Sin City: Hot young hookers, aging hot guys, and endless amounts of blood and gore. What more can you ask for? Plus Willis got hit by a car walking out of the movie. Grade: H (for hit and run)

Revenge of the Sith: Padme wasn't supposed to die (refer to the original trilogy), Anakin should not kill younglings in the evening when he was fine in the morning, and they seriously killed all of the Jedis (save Yoda and Obi-Wan) in one day? Powerful Jedis, I think not. You disappoint me George. Grade: F (for all the real fans that are weeping)

Bewitched: Will Ferrel is hysterical so I really don't think I will ever hate anything he does. not the greatest movie - but he makes me wish it was cake day - and I had a two story cake, and a leopard with a diamond studded collar. plus compare how he acts when he is "bewitched" and tom cruise on oprah. I think Katie may be a witch herself. Grade: C (for cake day)

Kicking and Screaming: ok I know I am supposed to hate this movie and think it is dumb but I still laughed out loud a ton! Plus those lesbians gave me a great idea.....adopt a little asian kid...they are small and funny and will grow up smart to take care of mommy when she gets old! Grade: D (for "da' Bears")

The Wedding Crashers: this really was the funniest movies I have seen in a really long time. Remind me to never make out with a stranger at a wedding! Grade I (for "I do")

Batman Begins: the best batman ever. I loved the 1st one but I think I liked this one better. It was definately more beleivable - which yeah I know comic books are supposed to be out there. I really didn't like Christian Bale though, I liked the creepy bad guy better. Grade: H (for holy comeback, batman)

The Machinist: ok so got this one because Dawn love Christian Bale now after Batman but this was like if Batman was doing the Lindsey Lohan story. He seriously weighed about 110 lbs and I couldn't focus on the movie because all I wanted to do was feed the poor boy a jelly donut! grade: f (for food: try it sometime)

Urbania: ok so this one ended up being more like gay porn than a real movie. there was some serious guy on guy, girl on guy, and guy on himself action going on. there was also some weird urban legend undertone going on that I didn't get at all. the worst part is that I watched it with Dawn and my grandmother. grade: e (for embarressing)

Dark Water: and finally the movie that made me realize that I was watching too many movies. Everything about this movie sucked - not scary, bad storyline, horrible ending. Grade: I (for I wish I had those 2 hours back)

fantasy life

2005-07-05T04:16:00.000-07:00

Last night I took my sisters to the Drive-In Movies and we started talking about the new Harry Potter book. It comes out in two weeks and we were debating what we thought was going to happen in the next book. I know I am a huge dork.

Dumbledore will die (he is the only thing protecting Harry now that Voldemort shares his blood and they have to build suspense for the next book)
Sirius is not really dead (he fell behind a curtain - nobody knows where it goes but it might not lead to death)
Ron and Hermione will finally hook up (even though she is way too cute and smart for him)
The half blood prince is Hagrid or Lupin (both half bloods)
Snape sacrifices himself to save Harry (or at least proves that he is not a terrible guy)

I love that all of my favorite fantasy books are becoming movies. I rememeber the day I found out they were making the Lord of the Rings trilogy and I figured they would suck but I was still excited they were doing them. Now the Chronicles of Narnia and a remake of Willy Wonka. I just reread the Magicians Nephew (the first chronilogical book in the Lion, Witch, and the Wardrobe). The first time I read the series I never noticed the religious undertones and social commentary in the book. It was pretty daft of me since it seems pretty obvious but I was in grade school so I will cut myself some slack.

I think it is funny that people either love or hate fantasy. Just the idea of having good vs. total evil and having a single person being able to change the course of history is amazing. Let alone the magic and strange creatures and just the dramatics of the struggles the characters face. It's these things that always make me think I want to join the Peace Corps and go to a place that is not so controlled by technology and safe and easy on the soul. I feel like I am just going with the flow in life. Don't get me wrong, the flow is great but I would hate to look back on my life when I am 80 and think - I could have been so much more. My grandma always wanted to be a pilot and has never even flown before. What am I going to look back on and regret?

How about some more fun fries, guys?

2005-07-04T07:37:00.000-07:00

So after a 5 year hiatus from serving I decide I should make extra money and get a side job waiting tables. This was fine 3 months ago when I was still teaching but now with school out I spend way more time there.

I had watched the South Park episode where the guys go to Raisins and Butters becomes obsessed with the waitress back when it first came out but it didn't really ring true to me until I saw it the other night. If you haven't seen this one it goes something like this:

call the customers by some retarded pet name like cutie or sweetie
giggle a lot and dance around and act cute
act like you are so glad to see them because they are so much cooler than everyone else
touch their arm to up your tip from $5 to $20

My boss recently seperated from his wife and he is now "shopping for a new wife" and hiring girls that specialize in these things. Apparently he wants a ditzy, high pitched girl that has absolutley no common sense. Last night one of the new girls filled all of the ice bins and restocked the lemons AFTER we closed. I tried to be nice but her incessantly calling me sweetie and stroking my hair made me not really feel sorry for her when I made her burn the ice and put the lemons away again.

Back to the South Park comparison:

So I have a couple groups of people that come in on a weekly basis and after watching that episode again I started to pay more attention to how they acted. I talk to my tables a lot but I wouldn't say that I flirt with them. It is more BS'ing than anything. Usually we talk about things like Star Wars or video games or just random things in the news. My regulars I talk to like they are just friends I am hanging out with. Well I noticed that whenever I go to another table to talk to them the guys will look over and it seems like they are listening to everything that I say and it really started to weird me out. It was almost like a boyfriend getting jealous of his girlfriend talking to other guys. They seem like really cool guys and they always ask me to meet up with them after work but it seems a little weird to me.

I mean as a waitress you get asked out a lot but thats what guys do. It's like a macho thing to ask out the waitress. I think I had a total of five numbers given to me on Red, White and Boom night. Do these people think that I would honestly call them up and say "Hey, remember me I brought you a chicken sandwich, wanna see a movie?" Althought there was one guy, who with any luck will come back in to work sometime, who I would have definately gone out with.

Set scene:

Jenni walking towards her table with two glasses in her hands.

Enter super hot guy who looks like Orlando Bloom's slightly older and sexier brother. We'll call him OB.

OB: "Excuse me, may I ask you a question?"

Jenni: (getting ready to point out the way to the bathroom) "sure"

OB: "Are you attached?"

Jenni: (staring at this way out of her league guy and looking around because she must actually physically be attached to something) "What do you mean?"

OB: (looking way cuter than ever with an adorable smile on his face) "Do you have a boyfriend?"

Jenni: (looking around to see the ugly friend he is trying to hook her up with and realizing he is out to dinner with his parents, both of whom are watching with big smiles on their faces) "Yes"

OB: (looking a little suprised and sad): "I see, thank you for letting me down easy."

Jenni: (speechlessly watches her destiny walk away from her)

End scene

Apparently he noticed me singing and playing around (I was in a really good mood that day) and asked his waitress about me. My co-worker not realizing I had gotten back together with my boyfriend briefly had informed said hottie that I was single and getting my Master's in education and that I was very sweet and fun and said that he should ask me out. His parents agreed and rest is history. But seriously, what interest would I have in a mechanical engineer (smart) that like to travel (adventurous) and go camping (fun)? C'est la vie.

Take Two

2005-07-03T10:07:00.000-07:00

So I accidently deleted my first blog, way to go Jenni! So for anyone that did not get to read my last one here is the reader's digest version:

I am really lazy - need to go out and do more things
if you order your burger "beef, well done, with American cheese" you may be a redneck
swimming in freezing cold water is not a good idea
trail maps are good - lost in the woods is bad
no electricity = a big pain in the butt
public service announcement: don't tell your waitress service was great and then tip 8%

I deleted my first log because I was trying to figure out how to get this picture into my profile. All I ended up doing was creating a new blog with 800 pictures of myself on accident. I never knew this would be so complicated!

I took this picture because I am getting really bored of my long hair (almost down to my waist again) and I wanted to see what my hair looked like short. Pretty sweet huh?

I went camping and hiking again yesterday with my ex's co-workers girlfriend Andrea. I have never really hung out with her before so I thought it might be a little weird spending all day and night with her but it was fun. We hiked about 8 miles at least, every trail they had there. I have been to Hocking Hills a million times and I have never gone to Catwell Cliffs or The Rock House.

This time I only had one brief moment of not knowing where we were at or going so it was an improvement over my last hiking experience with Matt. Of course Andrea didn't strip and swim in ice cold water on our hike so it wasn't quite as entertaining as last time. I did have to hike the whole time in flip flops because my heal is still messed up which totally sucks for traction so I was really lucky I never wiped out majorly and headed over one of the cliffs!